Meeting the In-Laws

A few nights ago my mom, sister, and I were talking. My sister, a 17 year old beauty, was asked out by a guy from our work who also happens to be 24. My mom was telling her to date around but only within her age area, nothing above 18. She jokingly said, "why did you go to your sister for advice, she doesn't date." To which I responded, "No, just a pro at relationships." And she is right. I don't like dating, never did. I have gone on less than 10 true first dates since I started dating at 19. I just never went on a date or dated someone if I didn't see a relationship with them right off the bat. I wasn't going to invest any time in something was "just for fun." Also it takes a lot for me to go out on a date with someone, sure I have been asked out more than 10 times from random guys, but I also say no. I have to have an insane spark. Those sparks lead to relationships. 

I can remember my first time meeting the parents of my first boyfriend. I was so nervous! It's a big deal. We had been together for two months and I went up to see him in NJ. He was an only child which was intimidating coming from a large family. That meant all the attention was on him and subsequently me. My mom and dad raised us to know how to carry polite conversation, things we shouldn't talk about (i.e. politics, religion, money, family issues, etc.), and always leave a positive impression on people. I can easily talk to dads about sports (a strongpoint) but I had to make an extra effort with the moms. Most guys tend to be mama's boys so you have to win over the mom and it takes more work than winning over the dad. Thankfully, my first go-around with the "in-laws" went well enough that I knew how to handle the uncharted territory in the future. I knew when to pitch in and help, when to step back, when to bring wine or gifts, etc. I knew not to share too much about myself or talk about myself constantly. They had time to get to know me.My second relationship was different. It was a big family and we started out more friends that morphed into a relationship. Albeit not a good or healthy one. Coming from such a big family, it made sliding into the mix of things a little easier. When the attention is not solely on you, that's a good thing. Again, I bonded very well with his dad and I got along with his mom. I was much closer to his dad. Even when we broke up, he still sent me a text on my graduation day telling me how proud he was. When I met S's parents, they didn't know I was into their son/ talking to him. It was New Years Eve at a house party with a friend. Again, I was so nervous. I remember his mom saying something about not worrying about timelines and finding guys, because things will eventually fall into place. I remember sipping my wine and thinking "if only you knew." His dad and I bond over cooking and football. His mom is very easy to talk to. It's a big family so it's again, nice to slide into the mix of things. I like that. 

In all of my relationships,every father has made multiple comments about me marrying their son. And I have always gotten along well with every mother of my boyfriend. I also work really hard at it.  So I am giving some good tips on helping you meet the in-laws:

1. Be respectful. Don't act like just because you date a member of the family, that the rules don't apply to you. Be courteous, it is Mr. and Mrs. until you get permission to call them otherwise. 

2. Dress appropriately. I always try to be presentable around the parents. This past summer, S's twin brother helped me move. His dad saw me in a tank top and running shorts and didn't recognize me. Actually asked his brother who his new girl was. Awkward? Nope, hilarious. Dress appropriately. 

3. Know how to carry the conversation out of an awkward lull. Especially if it is very inclusive. 

4. Never come empty handed- I tend to always bring wine. I have brought S's dad books, and a few other things to my ex's parents. It's a courtesy but also a brownie point.

5. Don't be a kiss ass. I definitely curb my language around the parents. But I do not suck up. It's so obvious when a girl or guy is a brown noser and it's so fake and kind of annoying. 

6. Always be cordial. Even if you disagree with someone or something. 

7. Being quiet is okay. Being too quiet is not. 

8. Always offer to help. Whether it is the dishes, setting the table, help cooking, etc. Always make an effort to pitch in. 

9. Don't act narrow minded or snobby. No one likes a princess. Can you get your hands dirty but still act like a lady? 

10. They are watching how you interact with their son. So don't overload on the PDA but your chemistry is going to be on display, whether you want it or not. 

Good luck, you're going to need it! 

Relationship Series: I love you for...

I love you for:

• The way you look at me
• The way you take notes in your phone of the things I mention that I like (I know what you are doing)
• The way you put my insecurities to sleep
• Your never-ending trust
• The way you say mushy lovey things because you know it makes me uncomfortable
• The way you give me compliments when you know I can’t take them seriously
• The Brita you bought me when I was explaining how horrible the Columbia water is for human consumption (Toxicologist problems)
• The Valentine’s Day gifts you got me, no one has ever been that intuitive
• The fact that we can walk into a Barnes and Noble and see each other an hour later with a stack of books already a few chapters in (Best dates ever)
• The “good morning” texts every morning for the past 8 months, you haven’t skipped a day yet.
• The military jargon that you use when we talk that I love and miss so dearly
• Itineraries. The end all of any trip we have taken together. We work better on schedules.
• Your love of soccer and accepting that it is not my first choice of sports.
• Making an effort every day to tell me how much I mean to you.
• Flying across the country and now, half a country to see me.
• Losing at all our wrestling matches because I am obviously the superior wrestler. And no, I do not cheat. (ish)
• Your obsession with Bread Co. and bread in general.
• Putting up with my constant chatter, my judgmental side, and my controlling side (to name a few)
• Our shared love of travel, need for new sights, hiking, and anything outdoors (minus camping, you’ll never win)
• The stack of historical books and three fiction novels all over your place.
• Telling me that I’m beautiful when my hair is wet, I have no makeup on, and I am in sweatpants. I don’t believe you but it’s still sweet.
• I love you for continuing to blow me away every day with how amazing you are.  I love you for all the adventures we will embark on together…

XOXO

Relationship Series: Part 3: Long Distance Relationships

So as you know from the past two parts of my relationship series. I have a boyfriend. I'm probably not going to go into detail about his job, but he's in the military and stationed out in California. If you're in the military, I am sure you can guess... Anyway, we first met in St. Louis, MO, where we are both from and grew up. After college, he was stationed at a few bases before going overseas and stationed around Asia for two years. He returned almost a year ago to be stationed in Cali. I left for college in Charleston, SC and continued on for grad school. I just moved back to the Midwest, as I am in my doctoral program at Mizzou, so I live in Columbia, MO. Being across a country from each other and 3 time zones away, sucked. Our first five months, I stayed up super late to Skype, text, or talk to him on the phone. Mostly Skype. We saw each other once a month for a few days of an extended weekend. He met my family, I met his. When we first started talking, it seemed like it was a non-starter of a relationship. He was across the country from me. Well, five days after we started talking, he booked a flight to see me in Charleston. The following month, I booked a flight to see him. I knew I loved him early on. We had very similar interests and outlooks, although he is a lot more positive than me. We figured if we saw each other once a month it wasn't so bad. Except we haven't seen each other since April 28th. Between my graduation, drill, his changing jobs, my new job, my move, etc. There has been no time and no money to spare for a trip to see each other. It's tough. Skype and 'I love you' texts only go so much. I've been in long distance before, and it all came screaming back how much it sucks. But at the end of each day, do I think its worth it? Yes. It's not forever, at least I hope. I try to be supportive but still have a life outside of my relationships. We both have our own routines and lives and we always make time for the other. In a few weeks, he is coming to St. Louis and driving with me to NC to see my great grandfather for his 102nd birthday. Then we are going to VA and Michigan for a wedding. 10 full days together! Every time I see him, I get nervous that it wont feel the same, but we pick up where we left off. I'm not saying that long distance is easy and some days I don't think its manageable or even doable. But those fears and doubts are usually suffocated by knowing I love him and he loves me. And that taking things slow and enjoying each other's company, not trying to speed up our lives, is something I am interested in.

He's kind of amazing. I'm very lucky.

Relationship Series: Part 2: Boxes

I can't say I have a type. I never only dated blondes or brunettes. I didn't go to medical schools or law schools to go husband hunting. I didn't go to football to pick up the quarterback because I only dated jocks. I didn't have a height requirement. My only type or common theme was that all the guys I have dated have been older, usually two or three years older. Steve is my oldest yet, with our four year difference. I have dated funny guys, serious guys, insecure guys, etc. However, I have found over the years, more and more peers, girls and guys that have requirements that their significant other must meet to get the approval. For example, you had to be smart, you had to be blonde, you had to be fit (by the way, this was all dictated to me in my second relationship). For girls, he had to tall, want children, have a steady job, etc. I find that so many people put requirements on the other person before they even met them, before they even got to know them. Sure, I don't want a deadbeat guy who lives at home with his parents and doesn't have a job. But I find these boxes that need to be checked for just a simple first date, to be honest, silly.

I can honestly say that I have never interviewed (interrogated) a guy on a date or before a first date. And if I was interrogated on my first date on my one, three, and five year plan, I promise I would be booking it to the door while he was in the bathroom. I have never said, "Oh you only want one child... nevermind I simply cannot date you." In my opinion, children shouldn't be brought up until the third or fourth date, and even then, its a feeler to see what they think about kids. If they bring it up, then I am sure they are seeing how your response will be. I think its always fun finding out about the other person, their likes and dislikes. Its even better when their likes and dislikes align with yours. And if they don't, can you live with that?You don't have to change your life for that person. Steve loves soccer. I have not really watched much soccer nor did I ever play. But I don't mind watching a soccer game with him. I know that he will never watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians with me, just like he knows I will never know what plane he is identifying in the sky, nor do I care to know. He knows that I try to start fights just to see what he will say, and I know he hates fighting. We have learned this over a six month period and there is so much to be learned. I did not learn this on a first date with a clipboard, checking off all of my rules.

Like I said, I have been in a previous relationship, where I changed myself to fit the boxes that were required. Not only did it make me feel like an object, I knew that it wasn't healthy, and worst of all, I knew that it would never matter what I did, I would never be good enough or the perfect arm candy that was expected of me. He could gain weight, I could not. I would be ridiculed if I didn't work out. When I cut my hair to my shoulders, he was furious, barely speaking to me because his girlfriends had LONG blonde hair, not short. I had to always be in a dress, preferably a Southern brand and wear Rainbows or Jack Rogers. That and many, many other reasons ended that relationship. I guess after getting out from under that horrible relationship, I realized, not only did I never have boxes, but I despised boxes. I remember when a friend told me that Steve only dated smart girls, and I started using bigger words. Until I realized, I'm not a genius, but I am smart. For a split second, I felt inadequate and not up to his standards. Then I thought, forget that, if he wants to be with me, he will be.

When I started dating Steve, I told him my aversion to having stipulations. I don't ask him to be something he's not, and it should be reciprocal. He agreed. But he also said he had things he looked for in a girlfriend, but I took that list and exceeded it. I even made "boxes" that he didn't know were important to him or he liked. For example, I love to wrestle, doesn't matter if its on a couch or anywhere, I am always into mischief, that apparently is one of his boxes now. Or that she needs to understand military lingo, because oh wait, I went to a military school so his life is second nature to me. Its silly, I know. I guess what I am trying to say on this little rant, is that when I met Steve, I didn't think, oh I hope his five year plan matches up with mine. I thought, wow this guy is really interesting, let's see where this goes. Because the truth is, everyone is winging it in life, so might as well see what happens.

UPDATE: read Thought Catalog's About Those Times We've Made a Boyfriend Checklist 

Relationship Series Part 1

I am going to start my relationship series. This will entail my relationship, my past relationships, breakups, issues, etc. If you have anything you want me to talk about leave a comment below and I will make a post about it! But today I am going to talk about my current relationship. I read a book called Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (she wrote Eat, Pray, Love btw). This is one of my all time favorite books, she analyzes marriage and relationships, coming to terms with them from a cynical and then historical standpoint. I LOVE this book! It made me reevaluate and rethink my views. Annnnyways, she said something that has stuck with me, and since I have lent my book out, I cannot directly quote it but I can paraphrase. 'If you ever need a conversation starter, ask a couple how they met, there will be drama, suspense, a plot, highs and lows, and it will end with a happy 'here we are now or happily ever after' type.' Every couple loves to talk about how they met. So here's my story.

Steve and I met on December 28th, 2013. I had been home in St. Louis for a few weeks on break and was spending most  of my time in front of the fireplace with a book. I had gotten out of a two year relationship at the beginning of November and I was still recovering. I had gone on a few dates, and was talking to a guy, but I knew it wasn't going anywhere. Especially since I had finished up PhD applications and had no clue where I was going to be after graduation. So I wasn't feeling very social. But that night, my mom hinted, well clearly said, "you need to go out, go do something!" So I begrudgingly texted my friend Rachel to see what she was up to. She said she was going to a soccer bar by her house (She lives downtown) and I should come. She said it was going to be some friends. So I drug myself off the couch, through on a sweater and boots, still wearing my glasses, headed downtown. I walk in the bar, texting Rachel, and I spot her. And immediately spot a guy at the table, in a Mountain Hardware jacket with a high and tight. (For anyone non military, its basically a giveaway that they are in the service.) Whoa he was hot! But I didn't want to say anything, so I just asked her what she wanted from the bar and got us two beers. We headed back to the table, and I sat down next to his twin brother. I talked to his brother most of the night but still when I could, I would engage the cute marine with stories of hazing etc. My friend ended up leaving around midnight but I stayed for another hour. After saying bye, I left and headed the 30 miles home. The next morning, she texted me asking what I thought of Steve, I said I thought he was reallllly cute. She said good! He wants your number. Three excruciatingly long days later, he finally messaged me. He had left right after we met, to get back to his base and work out in San Diego. I was leaving in a week to go back to Charleston, SC to finish my Masters. We were on opposite sides of the country, it wasn't going to work. Well, five days later he booked his flight to Charleston. And we had our first date on Valentines Day (Im not one of those cheesy girls so GAG on the special date on a special day crap!). I took him to my favorite BBQ hole in the wall restaurant. Six months later, we are still together. We see each other about once a month for an extended weekend and we have regular Skype dates. Considering we are both from St.Louis, and our families live there, it makes things a little easier. And now that I live in Missouri, we are no longer a country apart. We make it work. He got me books for Valentines day and flowers this past Monday for my first day of my PhD! Who does that?! He's wonderful, and since he doesn't read my blog, I can gush (Even though I cringe when girls do this). Steve is great, he's 28 and an officer in the Marine Corps. He's working on his Masters in History. He is smart, kind, funny, goofy, touchy feely- something I am not, loves to work out, eat healthy, read, travel, hike, camp- ehhh, not my thing. He loves me unconditionally and puts up with my insecurities and my goofiness. He is beyond supportive, one of my biggest advocates, my wrestling partner, and he makes me want to be better every day. He is not my happiness or the end all of my life. I may be 24 but I am not that disillusioned by love. He is a great compliment to my life. I love him very much, and I am counting down the days until we roadtrip to North Carolina and Virginia in July. Yes, we both do things that drive the other crazy, good and bad. But we work, and I am happy. Happiness is always my goal in life.