Red flags: Knowing when you are in an abusive relationship

My story: 

I met *Joshua in November of my senior year of college. I was out with my best friend, KJ dancing at a club. This guy came up to dance with me and I kind of blew him off. He wasn't put off. I had to leave around 12:30 to get back to school. Military schools have 0100 or 1 am curfews on weekends. So KJ and I were racing the clock to get back in uniforms and get back to campus. Well he kept asking me where I was going and why did I have to leave. I sheepishly shared I was a cadet at the Citadel to which he responded "I graduated from the Citadel, and I hate females at the Citadel." That should have been the first sign to run. 

Over the next few days, he visited me at school. He even brought his puppy. She was 8 weeks old, so tiny, and so adorable. He was so charming, a "real southern gentleman." He said all the right things, we ended up hooking up after a few weeks. I would later find out that he had a bet going with his friends (they even had a facebook group) about when he would hook up with me. Red flag. He told me that he had just lost the love of his life- she left him, he was crushed, and wasn't ready for a relationship. Red flag. I said I would wait and keep things casual until he was ready. I was so dumb. While he was telling me all these lines and hooking up with me, he was also doing the same thing to another girl. We knew each other too. I remember going to a bar with him one night, she saw us together and started crying. He had told me that they weren't together. That wasn't true I would later learn. Red flag. On my birthday, he chose to ditch dinner with my friends and my brother- and work. He didn't get me a gift, instead told me that he ended things with the other girl for good. After making out with her. Red flag. We only hung out with his friends- he didn't like mine. And I proceeded to go out every weekend with him and his friends. He would get trashed and try to start fights with guys at the bars, if a guy looked at me or made a comment that sent him over the edge, there was brawl. Red flag. He would refer to me as his "Slam-piece" because all girls were whores. This was after he would snort a line of adderall with his friends. Red FLAGS. I should have ran then. I should have said this guy has issues. But nope. I wanted to be a saver. I was going to straighten him out- or so his family used to tell me. 

The first few months, he graduated from law school and spent the summer studying for the bar. I would cook for him, take the puppy on walks, anything to help him. He was busying texting and sleeping with other girls. Red flags. I would catch him texting other girls- that was always my fault that he cheated on me, or when we were "fighting." He would get really drunk and slam me against the wall, not let me leave his apartment. He drank every day. Red flags. When his lease was up, he had just started his masters at the Citadel and was bartending on the side. Without ever having the talk or discussion, he just sort of moved into my house. (My parents owned). I paid the rent and he and his dogs lived there for free. Red flag. My family hated him, thought he was charming but fake. He was. I stopped talking to my family because the feelings were mutual- he hated them too. So no friends and no family. Red flags. Things were slowly escalating- the comments about how disgusting my body was. How I needed to be skinny- I was 110 lbs soaking wet, that I needed to dress more southern, I looked trashy, etc. My confidence was dwindling, he was smart. Red flag. He would make fun of my chest- tell everyone including my parents that he would pay for a boob and nose job to fix me. However, when we were out in public- he craved and thrived off of us being called a power couple. He loved it. He needed that for some reason to feel powerful. I was continuing to lose weight, he was gaining weight. Which just angered him more.  He got a job at a firm doing contracts. He was untouchable. He bought a boat and a fast car. Mind you, still living rent free. Red flag. His family would pull me aside in private and tell me that he was just trying to find himself, always making excuses for Joshua's behavior and unforgiving remarks. Red flag. He was getting cockier by the second. He was losing friends who no longer tolerated his behavior. Red flags. He was leaving bruises on my arms from grabbing me, slamming me against things, getting in my face, screaming at me. I was at a retirement ceremony when one of my tactical officers lifted up my sleeve and saw a perfect hand print, black and blue on my arm. I was embarrassed and made excuses, he was drunk, we got in a fight. I was so so dumb. He left me in the middle of downtown Charleston, on NYE, at about 2 in the morning. I had no money on me for cab. That was all my fault too. I was in Las Vegas for a bachelor party, he accused me of cheating on him so he gave me a "hall pass." A pass to cheat on him. I obviously didn't. He dumped me the night before the wedding because I saw a pic and post on instagram of him hanging on some girls at a bar. I was the "insecure" one. He called me the next day and my dumbass got back together with him. My family, who I was with, was disgusted at him and me as well. 

It was fall of my second year of my masters. Joshua finally decided to make us "facebook official." It didn't matter though, I knew he was still screwing around on me. But I was petrified he would leave me. So many times he would begin to pack up his stuff, calling me a whore because of a past relationship, and I would cry and beg him to stay. I was so dependent on him. Dependent on someone who spent so much time destroying me. Red flags. His friends (his best friends) would tell me to leave him, that he treated me like shit, he took advantage of me. His own friends warned me, and saw what he did first hand. Red flags. To punish me if we got in a fight, he would pack a bag, take the dogs, and leave. Only to return the next day, only if I did what he wanted. One night, we were out drinking. I was/am a light weight. I was in the back of the BMW after my two glasses of red wine. He was in the passenger seat and his friend was driving. We got pulled over by the cops. The driver was arrested for drunk driving. Joshua was arrested for being "drunk and disorderly." They had told us to stay in the car, but lawyer boy thought he could smooth talk four cops. When they finally released him the next morning, I picked him up from jail. He was still drunk. He blamed me for his arrest. Red flags. I began applying for PhD programs. It was obvious that I was applying to many places outside of Charleston. He told me that he would propose if I got into MUSC in Charleston. He later told me that he would propose to keep me in Charleston if I went somewhere else. Red flag. A random girl sent me a message on facebook with screenshots of Joshua's messages to her asking her when she wanted to meet to have sex. I broke up with him, he claimed it wasn't him, he never wrote that. I knew he did. He was a liar. Red flag.

My grandparents called me one day and told me that they were coming down to talk to me. I hadn't talked to them in a while. They showed up at my campus and called me out for being in an abusive relationship. I, of course, denied it at first. I had such a great facade acting as if everything was great. It was not. I broke down and shared some things that had been happening. I promised my grandparents I would end things. I was so worried he was going to lose his shit and hurt me. He broke down when I ended things, showing up to my work, begging me to stay with him. He said suicidal statements, he lost it. I told him I was going away for a few days and he needed to move out of my house. He eventually moved out. He then showed up at my house with a ring- not an engagement ring but a ring. He wanted to show me some land he wanted to buy so we could build our house on it. He brought the puppy who was now almost 2. He would tell me that I should keep her and then he would take her. He would threaten to leave her on the side of the road. She is my biggest regret. I miss her more than anything. It's as if she died. He was so rough on her- physically. He was rough on both of us, and I had to walk away from her to save myself. 

My dad came down and changed the locks on the house and stayed with me for a while. Charleston, my second home. A place I lived in for six years, and spent summers for 25 years. A place I loved. A place that scares me now, because when I go back, I am that vulnerable, scared girl again. I hated myself for two years. I have never been in such a dark place.. I let someone have that much control over me. I let someone dictate what I wore, who I saw, what I did. I lost myself. Because when things were good between us, they were so great. But it never lasted. I never realized the extent until things ended, and girls would share with me sexts (sexual messages) that he had sent them. Disgusting. Why did I stay you are probably asking? I can't answer that. Because I really don't know. It was like an addicting drug. I couldn't walk away. I felt, at the time, that I couldn't function without him. 

I walked away the first week of November, 2013. I spent time finding myself again. Preferring to be alone. And when I decided to take that leap of faith again with someone else, it was with someone, S, who I have NEVER had one red flag. Someone who I love more than anything. Who knows that I am my own person, I have my own goals, and that he has his too. I found love in myself again. I found love in others again. 

8 SIGNS YOU'RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

 (thanks thought catalog couldn't have said it better myself!)

1. Intensity 

Someone you just met exhibits the following behavior: lying or exaggerating, insisting you move in/get married/have kids immediately, trying to win over friends and family, over the top gestures like expensive gifts/dates, extreme love letters, sweeping you off your feet, bombarding you with texts and emails, behaving obsessively and non stop calls.

2. Jealousy

Behaving irrationally when you get a promotion, job or new friend, becoming angry when you speak to the opposite sex, persistently accusing you of cheating, resenting your time with friends, family, coworkers or activities, demanding to know private details of your life.

3. Control

Telling you how to dress, when to speak or what to think, showing up uninvited at your home, school, or job, checking your cell phone, emails, Facebook, going through your belongings, timing/following you, controlling/withholding money, sexually coercing you.

4. Isolation

Insisting you only spend time with them, making you emotionally, psychologically or financially dependent, preventing you from seeing your friends, family or children, forbidding you from going anywhere or speaking to anyone, keeping you home.

5. Criticism

Calling you overweight, ugly, stupid or crazy, ridiculing your beliefs, ambitions or friends, claiming they’re the only one who really cares about you, making you feel bad about yourself, brainwashing you to feel worthless, accusing you of being a bad parent.

6. Sabotage

Making you miss work or school by starting a fight or having a meltdown, being needy when you’re busy or doing well, making you believe you’re crazy, alone or helpless, hiding your money, keys or phone, stealing your belongings, destroying your self-esteem.

7. Blame

Making you feel guilty and responsible for their aggressive or destructive behavior, blaming the world or you for their problems, always saying, “This is your fault” or “You made me do this.”

8. Anger

Overreacting to small problems, frequently losing control, violent outbursts or severe mood swings, drinking excessively when upset, threatening to hurt you or loved ones, picking fights, having a history of violent behavior and making you feel afraid.

There is no justification for abuse. If your partner either threatens or does physically assault you, which includes shoving or pushing, it will only get worse. Inform the authorities, tell your friends or family, and call the national domestic abuse hotline immediately. There are many people who care and want to help you. FOR HELP: 1-800-799-SAFE

*name change because fuck him

Valentine's Day

I have been struggling to put write a post about Valentine’s Day. It’s not that I am anti- Valentine’s Day. I am just more indifferent to it. It might stem from a childhood where my parents didn’t make a production of the day. My dad would get my mom flowers, a card, and a box of chocolate covered strawberries. He would also get my siblings and me a box as well.  They might make a nice dinner but I just have no memories of an elaborate spread or date night. I think they reserved those more for their anniversary, etc.  So from the environment I was raised in, I just don’t put much thought into the 14^th of February. I have been in relationships on and off for the past 6 years. I have received gifts like Tiffany’s, flowers, and dinner dates for Valentine’s Day. I have celebrated as a couple and single with my friends. I think one of my favorite memories was from college. My best friend/roommate and I were single, so we got each other presents and flowers. Our room had six bouquets of roses and flowers from friends and family. It was so much fun to have a friend date. Last year was S and my first Valentine’s Day and ironically our first official date among other things. I took him to a hole in the wall BBQ place by my house in Charleston. We had the best time. It wasn’t fancy; there were no frills or fuss. Just fun. This year, we have Mardi Gras and are spending the rest of the day/ night with friends. Our Valentine’s Day gifts to each other will be going to Barnes and Noble on Sunday and spending an hour picking out books that the other one will buy. Sounds great I know, and it is, for us. It’s a very “S and Rachelle” plan. For me, it’s more about spending time with him. So if you are a big Valentine’s Day lover, then have a wonderful day, enjoy it. Have a glass of champagne for me! But I think what I am going to do is leave a few quotes from a favorite book about love, relationships, and marriage. 

“I love him and therefore I want to protect him -- even from me, if that makes sense. I didn't want to skip any steps of preparation, or leave anything unresolved that might reemerge later to harm us -- to harm him.” 

“It’s the same with relationships, I think. People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of that.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.” 

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” 

“Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone.”

 “Infatuation is not quite the same thing as love; it's more like love's shady second cousin who's always borrowing money and can't hold down a job.” 

“There is no choice more intensely personal, after all, than whom you choose to marry; that choice tells us, to a large extent, who you are.” 

“My love affair with (him) had a wonderful element of romance to it, which I will always cherish. But it was not an infatuation, and here’s how I can tell: because I did not demand that he become my Great Emancipator or my Source of All Life, nor did I immediately vanish into that man’s chest cavity like a twisted, unrecognizable, parasitical homonculus. During our long period of courtship, I remained intact within my own personality, and I allowed myself to meet (him) for who he was.”

“I had always been taught that the pursuit of happiness was my natural (even national) birthright. It is the emotional trademark of my culture to seek happiness. Not just any kind of happiness, either, but profound happiness, even soaring happiness. And what could possibly bring a person more soaring happiness than romantic love.”  (Silly me, I thought this for years)

“And even beyond the flaws, there are just some simple differences between Felipe and me that we will both have to accept. He will never—I promise you—attend a yoga class with me, no matter how many times I may try to convince him that he would absolutely love it. (He would absolutely not love it.) We will never meditate together on a weekend spiritual retreat. I will never get him to cut back on all the red meat, or to do some sort of faddish fasting cleanse with me, just for the fun of it. I will never get him to smooth out his temperament, which burns at sometimes exhausting extremes. He will never take up hobbies with me, I am certain of this. We will not stroll through the farmer’s market hand in hand or go on a hike together specifically to identify wildflowers. And although he is happy to sit and listen to me talk all day long about why I love Henry James, he will never read the collected works of Henry James by my side—so this most exquisite pleasure of mine must remain a private one.” 

Elizabeth Gilbert is my relationship Guru. 

Happy Valentine's Day 

Meeting the In-Laws

A few nights ago my mom, sister, and I were talking. My sister, a 17 year old beauty, was asked out by a guy from our work who also happens to be 24. My mom was telling her to date around but only within her age area, nothing above 18. She jokingly said, "why did you go to your sister for advice, she doesn't date." To which I responded, "No, just a pro at relationships." And she is right. I don't like dating, never did. I have gone on less than 10 true first dates since I started dating at 19. I just never went on a date or dated someone if I didn't see a relationship with them right off the bat. I wasn't going to invest any time in something was "just for fun." Also it takes a lot for me to go out on a date with someone, sure I have been asked out more than 10 times from random guys, but I also say no. I have to have an insane spark. Those sparks lead to relationships. 

I can remember my first time meeting the parents of my first boyfriend. I was so nervous! It's a big deal. We had been together for two months and I went up to see him in NJ. He was an only child which was intimidating coming from a large family. That meant all the attention was on him and subsequently me. My mom and dad raised us to know how to carry polite conversation, things we shouldn't talk about (i.e. politics, religion, money, family issues, etc.), and always leave a positive impression on people. I can easily talk to dads about sports (a strongpoint) but I had to make an extra effort with the moms. Most guys tend to be mama's boys so you have to win over the mom and it takes more work than winning over the dad. Thankfully, my first go-around with the "in-laws" went well enough that I knew how to handle the uncharted territory in the future. I knew when to pitch in and help, when to step back, when to bring wine or gifts, etc. I knew not to share too much about myself or talk about myself constantly. They had time to get to know me.My second relationship was different. It was a big family and we started out more friends that morphed into a relationship. Albeit not a good or healthy one. Coming from such a big family, it made sliding into the mix of things a little easier. When the attention is not solely on you, that's a good thing. Again, I bonded very well with his dad and I got along with his mom. I was much closer to his dad. Even when we broke up, he still sent me a text on my graduation day telling me how proud he was. When I met S's parents, they didn't know I was into their son/ talking to him. It was New Years Eve at a house party with a friend. Again, I was so nervous. I remember his mom saying something about not worrying about timelines and finding guys, because things will eventually fall into place. I remember sipping my wine and thinking "if only you knew." His dad and I bond over cooking and football. His mom is very easy to talk to. It's a big family so it's again, nice to slide into the mix of things. I like that. 

In all of my relationships,every father has made multiple comments about me marrying their son. And I have always gotten along well with every mother of my boyfriend. I also work really hard at it.  So I am giving some good tips on helping you meet the in-laws:

1. Be respectful. Don't act like just because you date a member of the family, that the rules don't apply to you. Be courteous, it is Mr. and Mrs. until you get permission to call them otherwise. 

2. Dress appropriately. I always try to be presentable around the parents. This past summer, S's twin brother helped me move. His dad saw me in a tank top and running shorts and didn't recognize me. Actually asked his brother who his new girl was. Awkward? Nope, hilarious. Dress appropriately. 

3. Know how to carry the conversation out of an awkward lull. Especially if it is very inclusive. 

4. Never come empty handed- I tend to always bring wine. I have brought S's dad books, and a few other things to my ex's parents. It's a courtesy but also a brownie point.

5. Don't be a kiss ass. I definitely curb my language around the parents. But I do not suck up. It's so obvious when a girl or guy is a brown noser and it's so fake and kind of annoying. 

6. Always be cordial. Even if you disagree with someone or something. 

7. Being quiet is okay. Being too quiet is not. 

8. Always offer to help. Whether it is the dishes, setting the table, help cooking, etc. Always make an effort to pitch in. 

9. Don't act narrow minded or snobby. No one likes a princess. Can you get your hands dirty but still act like a lady? 

10. They are watching how you interact with their son. So don't overload on the PDA but your chemistry is going to be on display, whether you want it or not. 

Good luck, you're going to need it! 

Relationship Series: I love you for...

I love you for:

• The way you look at me
• The way you take notes in your phone of the things I mention that I like (I know what you are doing)
• The way you put my insecurities to sleep
• Your never-ending trust
• The way you say mushy lovey things because you know it makes me uncomfortable
• The way you give me compliments when you know I can’t take them seriously
• The Brita you bought me when I was explaining how horrible the Columbia water is for human consumption (Toxicologist problems)
• The Valentine’s Day gifts you got me, no one has ever been that intuitive
• The fact that we can walk into a Barnes and Noble and see each other an hour later with a stack of books already a few chapters in (Best dates ever)
• The “good morning” texts every morning for the past 8 months, you haven’t skipped a day yet.
• The military jargon that you use when we talk that I love and miss so dearly
• Itineraries. The end all of any trip we have taken together. We work better on schedules.
• Your love of soccer and accepting that it is not my first choice of sports.
• Making an effort every day to tell me how much I mean to you.
• Flying across the country and now, half a country to see me.
• Losing at all our wrestling matches because I am obviously the superior wrestler. And no, I do not cheat. (ish)
• Your obsession with Bread Co. and bread in general.
• Putting up with my constant chatter, my judgmental side, and my controlling side (to name a few)
• Our shared love of travel, need for new sights, hiking, and anything outdoors (minus camping, you’ll never win)
• The stack of historical books and three fiction novels all over your place.
• Telling me that I’m beautiful when my hair is wet, I have no makeup on, and I am in sweatpants. I don’t believe you but it’s still sweet.
• I love you for continuing to blow me away every day with how amazing you are.  I love you for all the adventures we will embark on together…

XOXO

Relationship Series: Part 3: Long Distance Relationships

So as you know from the past two parts of my relationship series. I have a boyfriend. I'm probably not going to go into detail about his job, but he's in the military and stationed out in California. If you're in the military, I am sure you can guess... Anyway, we first met in St. Louis, MO, where we are both from and grew up. After college, he was stationed at a few bases before going overseas and stationed around Asia for two years. He returned almost a year ago to be stationed in Cali. I left for college in Charleston, SC and continued on for grad school. I just moved back to the Midwest, as I am in my doctoral program at Mizzou, so I live in Columbia, MO. Being across a country from each other and 3 time zones away, sucked. Our first five months, I stayed up super late to Skype, text, or talk to him on the phone. Mostly Skype. We saw each other once a month for a few days of an extended weekend. He met my family, I met his. When we first started talking, it seemed like it was a non-starter of a relationship. He was across the country from me. Well, five days after we started talking, he booked a flight to see me in Charleston. The following month, I booked a flight to see him. I knew I loved him early on. We had very similar interests and outlooks, although he is a lot more positive than me. We figured if we saw each other once a month it wasn't so bad. Except we haven't seen each other since April 28th. Between my graduation, drill, his changing jobs, my new job, my move, etc. There has been no time and no money to spare for a trip to see each other. It's tough. Skype and 'I love you' texts only go so much. I've been in long distance before, and it all came screaming back how much it sucks. But at the end of each day, do I think its worth it? Yes. It's not forever, at least I hope. I try to be supportive but still have a life outside of my relationships. We both have our own routines and lives and we always make time for the other. In a few weeks, he is coming to St. Louis and driving with me to NC to see my great grandfather for his 102nd birthday. Then we are going to VA and Michigan for a wedding. 10 full days together! Every time I see him, I get nervous that it wont feel the same, but we pick up where we left off. I'm not saying that long distance is easy and some days I don't think its manageable or even doable. But those fears and doubts are usually suffocated by knowing I love him and he loves me. And that taking things slow and enjoying each other's company, not trying to speed up our lives, is something I am interested in.

He's kind of amazing. I'm very lucky.

Relationship Series: Part 2: Boxes

I can't say I have a type. I never only dated blondes or brunettes. I didn't go to medical schools or law schools to go husband hunting. I didn't go to football to pick up the quarterback because I only dated jocks. I didn't have a height requirement. My only type or common theme was that all the guys I have dated have been older, usually two or three years older. Steve is my oldest yet, with our four year difference. I have dated funny guys, serious guys, insecure guys, etc. However, I have found over the years, more and more peers, girls and guys that have requirements that their significant other must meet to get the approval. For example, you had to be smart, you had to be blonde, you had to be fit (by the way, this was all dictated to me in my second relationship). For girls, he had to tall, want children, have a steady job, etc. I find that so many people put requirements on the other person before they even met them, before they even got to know them. Sure, I don't want a deadbeat guy who lives at home with his parents and doesn't have a job. But I find these boxes that need to be checked for just a simple first date, to be honest, silly.

I can honestly say that I have never interviewed (interrogated) a guy on a date or before a first date. And if I was interrogated on my first date on my one, three, and five year plan, I promise I would be booking it to the door while he was in the bathroom. I have never said, "Oh you only want one child... nevermind I simply cannot date you." In my opinion, children shouldn't be brought up until the third or fourth date, and even then, its a feeler to see what they think about kids. If they bring it up, then I am sure they are seeing how your response will be. I think its always fun finding out about the other person, their likes and dislikes. Its even better when their likes and dislikes align with yours. And if they don't, can you live with that?You don't have to change your life for that person. Steve loves soccer. I have not really watched much soccer nor did I ever play. But I don't mind watching a soccer game with him. I know that he will never watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians with me, just like he knows I will never know what plane he is identifying in the sky, nor do I care to know. He knows that I try to start fights just to see what he will say, and I know he hates fighting. We have learned this over a six month period and there is so much to be learned. I did not learn this on a first date with a clipboard, checking off all of my rules.

Like I said, I have been in a previous relationship, where I changed myself to fit the boxes that were required. Not only did it make me feel like an object, I knew that it wasn't healthy, and worst of all, I knew that it would never matter what I did, I would never be good enough or the perfect arm candy that was expected of me. He could gain weight, I could not. I would be ridiculed if I didn't work out. When I cut my hair to my shoulders, he was furious, barely speaking to me because his girlfriends had LONG blonde hair, not short. I had to always be in a dress, preferably a Southern brand and wear Rainbows or Jack Rogers. That and many, many other reasons ended that relationship. I guess after getting out from under that horrible relationship, I realized, not only did I never have boxes, but I despised boxes. I remember when a friend told me that Steve only dated smart girls, and I started using bigger words. Until I realized, I'm not a genius, but I am smart. For a split second, I felt inadequate and not up to his standards. Then I thought, forget that, if he wants to be with me, he will be.

When I started dating Steve, I told him my aversion to having stipulations. I don't ask him to be something he's not, and it should be reciprocal. He agreed. But he also said he had things he looked for in a girlfriend, but I took that list and exceeded it. I even made "boxes" that he didn't know were important to him or he liked. For example, I love to wrestle, doesn't matter if its on a couch or anywhere, I am always into mischief, that apparently is one of his boxes now. Or that she needs to understand military lingo, because oh wait, I went to a military school so his life is second nature to me. Its silly, I know. I guess what I am trying to say on this little rant, is that when I met Steve, I didn't think, oh I hope his five year plan matches up with mine. I thought, wow this guy is really interesting, let's see where this goes. Because the truth is, everyone is winging it in life, so might as well see what happens.

UPDATE: read Thought Catalog's About Those Times We've Made a Boyfriend Checklist 

Relationship Series Part 1

I am going to start my relationship series. This will entail my relationship, my past relationships, breakups, issues, etc. If you have anything you want me to talk about leave a comment below and I will make a post about it! But today I am going to talk about my current relationship. I read a book called Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (she wrote Eat, Pray, Love btw). This is one of my all time favorite books, she analyzes marriage and relationships, coming to terms with them from a cynical and then historical standpoint. I LOVE this book! It made me reevaluate and rethink my views. Annnnyways, she said something that has stuck with me, and since I have lent my book out, I cannot directly quote it but I can paraphrase. 'If you ever need a conversation starter, ask a couple how they met, there will be drama, suspense, a plot, highs and lows, and it will end with a happy 'here we are now or happily ever after' type.' Every couple loves to talk about how they met. So here's my story.

Steve and I met on December 28th, 2013. I had been home in St. Louis for a few weeks on break and was spending most  of my time in front of the fireplace with a book. I had gotten out of a two year relationship at the beginning of November and I was still recovering. I had gone on a few dates, and was talking to a guy, but I knew it wasn't going anywhere. Especially since I had finished up PhD applications and had no clue where I was going to be after graduation. So I wasn't feeling very social. But that night, my mom hinted, well clearly said, "you need to go out, go do something!" So I begrudgingly texted my friend Rachel to see what she was up to. She said she was going to a soccer bar by her house (She lives downtown) and I should come. She said it was going to be some friends. So I drug myself off the couch, through on a sweater and boots, still wearing my glasses, headed downtown. I walk in the bar, texting Rachel, and I spot her. And immediately spot a guy at the table, in a Mountain Hardware jacket with a high and tight. (For anyone non military, its basically a giveaway that they are in the service.) Whoa he was hot! But I didn't want to say anything, so I just asked her what she wanted from the bar and got us two beers. We headed back to the table, and I sat down next to his twin brother. I talked to his brother most of the night but still when I could, I would engage the cute marine with stories of hazing etc. My friend ended up leaving around midnight but I stayed for another hour. After saying bye, I left and headed the 30 miles home. The next morning, she texted me asking what I thought of Steve, I said I thought he was reallllly cute. She said good! He wants your number. Three excruciatingly long days later, he finally messaged me. He had left right after we met, to get back to his base and work out in San Diego. I was leaving in a week to go back to Charleston, SC to finish my Masters. We were on opposite sides of the country, it wasn't going to work. Well, five days later he booked his flight to Charleston. And we had our first date on Valentines Day (Im not one of those cheesy girls so GAG on the special date on a special day crap!). I took him to my favorite BBQ hole in the wall restaurant. Six months later, we are still together. We see each other about once a month for an extended weekend and we have regular Skype dates. Considering we are both from St.Louis, and our families live there, it makes things a little easier. And now that I live in Missouri, we are no longer a country apart. We make it work. He got me books for Valentines day and flowers this past Monday for my first day of my PhD! Who does that?! He's wonderful, and since he doesn't read my blog, I can gush (Even though I cringe when girls do this). Steve is great, he's 28 and an officer in the Marine Corps. He's working on his Masters in History. He is smart, kind, funny, goofy, touchy feely- something I am not, loves to work out, eat healthy, read, travel, hike, camp- ehhh, not my thing. He loves me unconditionally and puts up with my insecurities and my goofiness. He is beyond supportive, one of my biggest advocates, my wrestling partner, and he makes me want to be better every day. He is not my happiness or the end all of my life. I may be 24 but I am not that disillusioned by love. He is a great compliment to my life. I love him very much, and I am counting down the days until we roadtrip to North Carolina and Virginia in July. Yes, we both do things that drive the other crazy, good and bad. But we work, and I am happy. Happiness is always my goal in life.