I met *Joshua in November of my senior year of college. I was out with my best friend, KJ dancing at a club. This guy came up to dance with me and I kind of blew him off. He wasn't put off. I had to leave around 12:30 to get back to school. Military schools have 0100 or 1 am curfews on weekends. So KJ and I were racing the clock to get back in uniforms and get back to campus. Well he kept asking me where I was going and why did I have to leave. I sheepishly shared I was a cadet at the Citadel to which he responded "I graduated from the Citadel, and I hate females at the Citadel." That should have been the first sign to run.
Over the next few days, he visited me at school. He even brought his puppy. She was 8 weeks old, so tiny, and so adorable. He was so charming, a "real southern gentleman." He said all the right things, we ended up hooking up after a few weeks. I would later find out that he had a bet going with his friends (they even had a facebook group) about when he would hook up with me. Red flag. He told me that he had just lost the love of his life- she left him, he was crushed, and wasn't ready for a relationship. Red flag. I said I would wait and keep things casual until he was ready. I was so dumb. While he was telling me all these lines and hooking up with me, he was also doing the same thing to another girl. We knew each other too. I remember going to a bar with him one night, she saw us together and started crying. He had told me that they weren't together. That wasn't true I would later learn. Red flag. On my birthday, he chose to ditch dinner with my friends and my brother- and work. He didn't get me a gift, instead told me that he ended things with the other girl for good. After making out with her. Red flag. We only hung out with his friends- he didn't like mine. And I proceeded to go out every weekend with him and his friends. He would get trashed and try to start fights with guys at the bars, if a guy looked at me or made a comment that sent him over the edge, there was brawl. Red flag. He would refer to me as his "Slam-piece" because all girls were whores. This was after he would snort a line of adderall with his friends. Red FLAGS. I should have ran then. I should have said this guy has issues. But nope. I wanted to be a saver. I was going to straighten him out- or so his family used to tell me.
The first few months, he graduated from law school and spent the summer studying for the bar. I would cook for him, take the puppy on walks, anything to help him. He was busying texting and sleeping with other girls. Red flags. I would catch him texting other girls- that was always my fault that he cheated on me, or when we were "fighting." He would get really drunk and slam me against the wall, not let me leave his apartment. He drank every day. Red flags. When his lease was up, he had just started his masters at the Citadel and was bartending on the side. Without ever having the talk or discussion, he just sort of moved into my house. (My parents owned). I paid the rent and he and his dogs lived there for free. Red flag. My family hated him, thought he was charming but fake. He was. I stopped talking to my family because the feelings were mutual- he hated them too. So no friends and no family. Red flags. Things were slowly escalating- the comments about how disgusting my body was. How I needed to be skinny- I was 110 lbs soaking wet, that I needed to dress more southern, I looked trashy, etc. My confidence was dwindling, he was smart. Red flag. He would make fun of my chest- tell everyone including my parents that he would pay for a boob and nose job to fix me. However, when we were out in public- he craved and thrived off of us being called a power couple. He loved it. He needed that for some reason to feel powerful. I was continuing to lose weight, he was gaining weight. Which just angered him more. He got a job at a firm doing contracts. He was untouchable. He bought a boat and a fast car. Mind you, still living rent free. Red flag. His family would pull me aside in private and tell me that he was just trying to find himself, always making excuses for Joshua's behavior and unforgiving remarks. Red flag. He was getting cockier by the second. He was losing friends who no longer tolerated his behavior. Red flags. He was leaving bruises on my arms from grabbing me, slamming me against things, getting in my face, screaming at me. I was at a retirement ceremony when one of my tactical officers lifted up my sleeve and saw a perfect hand print, black and blue on my arm. I was embarrassed and made excuses, he was drunk, we got in a fight. I was so so dumb. He left me in the middle of downtown Charleston, on NYE, at about 2 in the morning. I had no money on me for cab. That was all my fault too. I was in Las Vegas for a bachelor party, he accused me of cheating on him so he gave me a "hall pass." A pass to cheat on him. I obviously didn't. He dumped me the night before the wedding because I saw a pic and post on instagram of him hanging on some girls at a bar. I was the "insecure" one. He called me the next day and my dumbass got back together with him. My family, who I was with, was disgusted at him and me as well.
It was fall of my second year of my masters. Joshua finally decided to make us "facebook official." It didn't matter though, I knew he was still screwing around on me. But I was petrified he would leave me. So many times he would begin to pack up his stuff, calling me a whore because of a past relationship, and I would cry and beg him to stay. I was so dependent on him. Dependent on someone who spent so much time destroying me. Red flags. His friends (his best friends) would tell me to leave him, that he treated me like shit, he took advantage of me. His own friends warned me, and saw what he did first hand. Red flags. To punish me if we got in a fight, he would pack a bag, take the dogs, and leave. Only to return the next day, only if I did what he wanted. One night, we were out drinking. I was/am a light weight. I was in the back of the BMW after my two glasses of red wine. He was in the passenger seat and his friend was driving. We got pulled over by the cops. The driver was arrested for drunk driving. Joshua was arrested for being "drunk and disorderly." They had told us to stay in the car, but lawyer boy thought he could smooth talk four cops. When they finally released him the next morning, I picked him up from jail. He was still drunk. He blamed me for his arrest. Red flags. I began applying for PhD programs. It was obvious that I was applying to many places outside of Charleston. He told me that he would propose if I got into MUSC in Charleston. He later told me that he would propose to keep me in Charleston if I went somewhere else. Red flag. A random girl sent me a message on facebook with screenshots of Joshua's messages to her asking her when she wanted to meet to have sex. I broke up with him, he claimed it wasn't him, he never wrote that. I knew he did. He was a liar. Red flag.
My grandparents called me one day and told me that they were coming down to talk to me. I hadn't talked to them in a while. They showed up at my campus and called me out for being in an abusive relationship. I, of course, denied it at first. I had such a great facade acting as if everything was great. It was not. I broke down and shared some things that had been happening. I promised my grandparents I would end things. I was so worried he was going to lose his shit and hurt me. He broke down when I ended things, showing up to my work, begging me to stay with him. He said suicidal statements, he lost it. I told him I was going away for a few days and he needed to move out of my house. He eventually moved out. He then showed up at my house with a ring- not an engagement ring but a ring. He wanted to show me some land he wanted to buy so we could build our house on it. He brought the puppy who was now almost 2. He would tell me that I should keep her and then he would take her. He would threaten to leave her on the side of the road. She is my biggest regret. I miss her more than anything. It's as if she died. He was so rough on her- physically. He was rough on both of us, and I had to walk away from her to save myself.
My dad came down and changed the locks on the house and stayed with me for a while. Charleston, my second home. A place I lived in for six years, and spent summers for 25 years. A place I loved. A place that scares me now, because when I go back, I am that vulnerable, scared girl again. I hated myself for two years. I have never been in such a dark place.. I let someone have that much control over me. I let someone dictate what I wore, who I saw, what I did. I lost myself. Because when things were good between us, they were so great. But it never lasted. I never realized the extent until things ended, and girls would share with me sexts (sexual messages) that he had sent them. Disgusting. Why did I stay you are probably asking? I can't answer that. Because I really don't know. It was like an addicting drug. I couldn't walk away. I felt, at the time, that I couldn't function without him.
I walked away the first week of November, 2013. I spent time finding myself again. Preferring to be alone. And when I decided to take that leap of faith again with someone else, it was with someone, S, who I have NEVER had one red flag. Someone who I love more than anything. Who knows that I am my own person, I have my own goals, and that he has his too. I found love in myself again. I found love in others again.
8 SIGNS YOU'RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
(thanks thought catalog couldn't have said it better myself!)
1. Intensity
Someone you just met exhibits the following behavior: lying or exaggerating, insisting you move in/get married/have kids immediately, trying to win over friends and family, over the top gestures like expensive gifts/dates, extreme love letters, sweeping you off your feet, bombarding you with texts and emails, behaving obsessively and non stop calls.
2. Jealousy
Behaving irrationally when you get a promotion, job or new friend, becoming angry when you speak to the opposite sex, persistently accusing you of cheating, resenting your time with friends, family, coworkers or activities, demanding to know private details of your life.
3. Control
Telling you how to dress, when to speak or what to think, showing up uninvited at your home, school, or job, checking your cell phone, emails, Facebook, going through your belongings, timing/following you, controlling/withholding money, sexually coercing you.
4. Isolation
Insisting you only spend time with them, making you emotionally, psychologically or financially dependent, preventing you from seeing your friends, family or children, forbidding you from going anywhere or speaking to anyone, keeping you home.
5. Criticism
Calling you overweight, ugly, stupid or crazy, ridiculing your beliefs, ambitions or friends, claiming they’re the only one who really cares about you, making you feel bad about yourself, brainwashing you to feel worthless, accusing you of being a bad parent.
6. Sabotage
Making you miss work or school by starting a fight or having a meltdown, being needy when you’re busy or doing well, making you believe you’re crazy, alone or helpless, hiding your money, keys or phone, stealing your belongings, destroying your self-esteem.
7. Blame
Making you feel guilty and responsible for their aggressive or destructive behavior, blaming the world or you for their problems, always saying, “This is your fault” or “You made me do this.”
8. Anger
Overreacting to small problems, frequently losing control, violent outbursts or severe mood swings, drinking excessively when upset, threatening to hurt you or loved ones, picking fights, having a history of violent behavior and making you feel afraid.
There is no justification for abuse. If your partner either threatens or does physically assault you, which includes shoving or pushing, it will only get worse. Inform the authorities, tell your friends or family, and call the national domestic abuse hotline immediately. There are many people who care and want to help you. FOR HELP: 1-800-799-SAFE
*name change because fuck him
*name change because fuck him
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