Relationship Series: Part 2: Boxes

I can't say I have a type. I never only dated blondes or brunettes. I didn't go to medical schools or law schools to go husband hunting. I didn't go to football to pick up the quarterback because I only dated jocks. I didn't have a height requirement. My only type or common theme was that all the guys I have dated have been older, usually two or three years older. Steve is my oldest yet, with our four year difference. I have dated funny guys, serious guys, insecure guys, etc. However, I have found over the years, more and more peers, girls and guys that have requirements that their significant other must meet to get the approval. For example, you had to be smart, you had to be blonde, you had to be fit (by the way, this was all dictated to me in my second relationship). For girls, he had to tall, want children, have a steady job, etc. I find that so many people put requirements on the other person before they even met them, before they even got to know them. Sure, I don't want a deadbeat guy who lives at home with his parents and doesn't have a job. But I find these boxes that need to be checked for just a simple first date, to be honest, silly.

I can honestly say that I have never interviewed (interrogated) a guy on a date or before a first date. And if I was interrogated on my first date on my one, three, and five year plan, I promise I would be booking it to the door while he was in the bathroom. I have never said, "Oh you only want one child... nevermind I simply cannot date you." In my opinion, children shouldn't be brought up until the third or fourth date, and even then, its a feeler to see what they think about kids. If they bring it up, then I am sure they are seeing how your response will be. I think its always fun finding out about the other person, their likes and dislikes. Its even better when their likes and dislikes align with yours. And if they don't, can you live with that?You don't have to change your life for that person. Steve loves soccer. I have not really watched much soccer nor did I ever play. But I don't mind watching a soccer game with him. I know that he will never watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians with me, just like he knows I will never know what plane he is identifying in the sky, nor do I care to know. He knows that I try to start fights just to see what he will say, and I know he hates fighting. We have learned this over a six month period and there is so much to be learned. I did not learn this on a first date with a clipboard, checking off all of my rules.

Like I said, I have been in a previous relationship, where I changed myself to fit the boxes that were required. Not only did it make me feel like an object, I knew that it wasn't healthy, and worst of all, I knew that it would never matter what I did, I would never be good enough or the perfect arm candy that was expected of me. He could gain weight, I could not. I would be ridiculed if I didn't work out. When I cut my hair to my shoulders, he was furious, barely speaking to me because his girlfriends had LONG blonde hair, not short. I had to always be in a dress, preferably a Southern brand and wear Rainbows or Jack Rogers. That and many, many other reasons ended that relationship. I guess after getting out from under that horrible relationship, I realized, not only did I never have boxes, but I despised boxes. I remember when a friend told me that Steve only dated smart girls, and I started using bigger words. Until I realized, I'm not a genius, but I am smart. For a split second, I felt inadequate and not up to his standards. Then I thought, forget that, if he wants to be with me, he will be.

When I started dating Steve, I told him my aversion to having stipulations. I don't ask him to be something he's not, and it should be reciprocal. He agreed. But he also said he had things he looked for in a girlfriend, but I took that list and exceeded it. I even made "boxes" that he didn't know were important to him or he liked. For example, I love to wrestle, doesn't matter if its on a couch or anywhere, I am always into mischief, that apparently is one of his boxes now. Or that she needs to understand military lingo, because oh wait, I went to a military school so his life is second nature to me. Its silly, I know. I guess what I am trying to say on this little rant, is that when I met Steve, I didn't think, oh I hope his five year plan matches up with mine. I thought, wow this guy is really interesting, let's see where this goes. Because the truth is, everyone is winging it in life, so might as well see what happens.

UPDATE: read Thought Catalog's About Those Times We've Made a Boyfriend Checklist