Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something I struggle with. I do not forgive easily. I also do not forget. A folly against me is engrained in my brain until the end of time. The hurt turns to frustration, anger, and eventually a grudge. But even when that slowly secedes, I still am hurt. And that isn’t easy to forgive.

Friends.

I think my biggest struggle is being angry at someone for something they did or said, and they have no clue that their actions were hurtful. This can escalate when I start to wonder if they knew they were being intentionally rude, mean, or downright nasty and play the “innocent card”. And in the same hand, the people that say “I’m sorry you felt that way” or “I am sorry you took it that way.” Not “I am sorry what I said was inappropriate.” That apology will never come. It definitely shows someone’s immaturity when they cannot take ownership for their words or actions. You cannot control how others act; you can control how you react and who you surround yourself with.

Family.

I have had an ongoing battle, an unspoken battle, with two family members for years. So much so, that it was an almost estrangement. What they were doing, saying, and more importantly neglecting to do, was unforgiveable. Never in my mind would I or could I act like they were. And because it was family, it was that more upsetting. Because I was raised with intense morals and ethics, my parents taught me, you might not agree with what they are doing, but you must respect them. And I have. But my heart hurts for those affected by their selfish actions. I cannot understand or comprehend how they feel justified in their actions. And as much as I love them, it will always be a wedge. It will always been in the back of my mind. How can I forgive them for something so unimaginable in my mind?

Relationship.

When you enter into a relationship, you are vulnerable. You open yourself up for hurt, pain, but more importantly love. And when you realize that love isn’t real after months (years) of trying and you decide to leave the situation, why is it then that the apology comes? Why is it that you have to find out that your then-boyfriend had been cheating on you for the entire time you were together? Even better it was with people that you knew. That the bruises he left on your arms from grabbing you when he was drunk, were somehow your fault? That each time he hurt you, he promised never to do it again. And you stupidly believed him.  It takes a long time to forgive other people and an even longer time to forgive yourself. Here is an honest fact. I will never forgive him. I am slowly forgiving myself.

How do you forgive, when the damage has been done?